Facing Unforgiveness – Learn to Forgive

I recently spoke with a young woman who had been wronged years earlier by her best friend from childhood.  Rumors had spread that were untrue and hurtful to her.  She carried a terrible weight on her shoulders that was eating her away inside.  It was the heavy burden of unforgiveness.

I can identify.  Sometimes when we are wounded, instead of disinfecting the injury with forgiveness, we let it get infected and fester.  If left unchecked, it can turn into bitterness and resentment and literally make us physically sick.  Sometimes, we don’t even realize the root of the problem until it’s too late. Unforgiveness ruins friendships, family ties, and marriages.

The Bible has a lot to say about forgiveness.  Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”  We know we should forgive, but I think several issues hold us back.  Maybe we don’t know where to begin or maybe we have misconceptions about what it means to forgive.

Today I want to ponder the when, why, and how of forgiveness.

When should I forgive?

The Bible gives us a straight answer, so there is no gray area where we can get confused.  Peter asked Jesus directly, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matt 18:21)

The questions is reasonable, but the response is shocking! Jesus answered that Peter should forgive seventy times seven.  That’s 490 times!  That’s a lot of forgiving! It includes everyone: family, co-workers, and neighbors.  It’s supposed to be more times than you can keep track of.  In other words, if you are truly forgiving, you are not taking tally marks for each instance.

Why should I forgive?

We should forgive others because God offers forgiveness to us.

Jesus explains our obligation to forgive with a parable about a king (Matt 18:23-35). This king calls before him a servant who owes him millions of dollars.  Instead of making his servant pay back the money, the King pardons him!

Can you imagine the joy you would feel if you were forgiven a bill of over one million dollars?  What would you do?  I would jump around and throw a party.  I would write the nicest thank you note, and feel grateful for the rest of my life!

But that’s not what this man did.  As soon as he left the king, he went out and found a co-worker who only owed him only a few thousand dollars.

The Bible says, “He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.”  And he didn’t stop there.  When the second man couldn’t come up with the money instantly, the forgiven one threw his fellow servant into the debtor’s prison.

Observers of the affair were very angry.  I would be too!  They saw the unfairness and brought the matter before the king.

When the king found out what had happened, he was furious!  He sent the evil servant to prison to be tortured until his entire debt was paid off.

We can interpret the alarming story this way:

God the Father is like the King.  We represent the first servant who owes millions of dollars, a bill we cannot pay.  This debt is sin.  But God in his goodness grants us grace and forgiveness of the balance-due if we believe in his Son, Jesus.  Because we have been forgiven such a huge debt, we should, in turn, forgive the small grievances that we have against others.

Psalm 103:10-14 explains further:

“He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.  For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.  The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.  For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust (NLT).”

How should I forgive?

Most of the time we can forgive immediately by not taking offense in the first place.  True love keeps no record of wrongs (Corinthians 13:5).  Sometimes we hurt each other accidentally.  In my opinion, it is best to give the people close to you the benefit of the doubt.   Choose to forgive them instantly and move on.  There’s no reason to bring up trivial offenses.

Sometimes, though, there are bigger issues and we are hurt or angered deeply.    In these cases, it may take more time and more steps.

Here’s what I do:

Step one:

I write out my complaints against the person, in all their foul glory.   This includes any treachery and deceit.  I add how it makes me feel, and how I wish they were different.  Sometimes I am tearful, other times vindictive in what I record.

This is the yucky part.

Step two:

I show it to God:  I want to be sure He sees and understands.

There’s a story in the Old Testament of King Hezekiah.  He receives a nasty letter from the Assyrian king. Hezekiah reads the letter and heads straight to the temple where he spreads it out before the LORD.  He says, “Bend down, O LORD, and listen! Open your eyes, O LORD, and see!” 2 Kings 19:16 (NLT).

Following Hezekiah’s lead, I do the same thing.  I spread it out before the Lord.  Sometimes I read it out loud.  I call out to God and say, “Take a look at what’s going on!”

This is the prayerful part.

Step three:

I meditate on what I know about God.  He is fair, just, and big enough to work everything out for my eternal benefit.

“But the LORD reigns forever, executing judgment from his throne.  He will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness. The LORD is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you.”  Psalm 9:7-10 (NLT)

Forgiveness begins with a mental decision to let go and let God have the power back.  He is just!  He will take care of it.  Revenge, punishment, and making someone else miserable are not parts of our responsibility.

This is the thinking part.

Step four:

I leave it with God and trust him to take care of it. I ask Him to comfort me and soothe my sorrow or hurt.  Sometimes, I burn the letter so it’s gone, too.

This is the letting go/forgiving part.

Step five:

I try to move forward and follow the advice from Paul in Romans 12:18-21:

“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD.  Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them.  If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”  Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.”

This is the trusting part.

What forgiveness doesn’t mean:

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to tell them, “I forgive you.”

If it’s a close friend or family member and there is hope for reconciliation, then you may want to consider talking it through with them.  But don’t let the thought of telling them, hold you back.  Sometimes not bringing up the past is a better solution and more in line with the old adage, “Forgive and forget.”  Also, one of these may apply:

1. It may be something from a long time ago. The person might be dead or you don’t know where the person is. You can still forgive what happened in the past.
2. If the person is truly toxic, it might be best never to speak to them again. You can still forgive, and then protect yourself by not reestablishing the relationship.
3. It might be someone who will never show remorse. There is no reason to go back through the disagreement and what was said.  They may never say sorry or try to make amends.  Forgiveness is your choice.  It is not based on the offender.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to restore the relationship.

Some relationships are toxic.  If it’s a bad relationship or abusive relationship, it’s okay to protect yourself and stay away.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean the person is off the hook.

Instead, forgiveness is the mental decision to let go and let God have the power back to judge between right and wrong.  He is just!  He will take care of all of it.  Revenge, punishment, etc. is not our job.  Until you forgive, you continue to let them hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean feelings won’t come up again.

Sometimes we drop off a burden with God, only to pick it up again.  Some things take time and the Holy Spirit to bring us comfort.

Forgiveness begins when we can take a bigger perspective.  God is so patient and forgiving of us.  When we remember what he has done for us, by sending his own son to die for our wrongdoings, we can’t help but in turn forgive others.